


What Are You Afraid Of?

by Monkey1199



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - 19th Century, Angst, Depression, Happy Ending, M/M, Mentions of Cancer, Panic Attacks, Smut, Violence, War
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-08-03
Updated: 2015-08-03
Packaged: 2018-04-12 18:20:40
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,249
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4489926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monkey1199/pseuds/Monkey1199
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A 19th century war AU.</p><p>Harry is left alone to take care of his sick mother when his best friend (whom he is secretly in love with) moves away due to war. He struggles with depression and panic attacks on a day to day basis and his only friend, Niall, lives with him waiting to be dragged off and handed a gun. Louis is going to come back. Harry doesn't know when, but he will be. They are soulmates after all.</p><p>(Violence and panic attacks in the chapters coming next so if you are easily triggered please don't read)</p>
            </blockquote>





	What Are You Afraid Of?

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! Sorry if there is any grammar mistakes. I'm a one man band and I wrote this on my phone so forgive me. Anyway, I had this idea for a while and it's going to be so much fun writing this!! I hope you stick with me.

"I tried so hard, but it all fell apart..."

________________

 

The snow felt like ash beneath his fingertips. It was cold. A little too cold, if you ask him. Frost was clinging to strands of grass like a child clings to its mother. The sun disappeared a few weeks back. He didn't know when he came to love winter. Maybe because the color grey painted everything around him the same shade it painted his soul. It was funny, that. How much he related to winter. In winter all life just shut down. Flowers died, birds flew away, people left. Ironic that winter was the season he felt most alive. Well, as alive as he could be. 

He still looked the same. Hair as curly as always, eyes a memory of the now deceased nature, lean legs, broad shoulders, dimples. He still looked like himself, just that this curly imposter wasn't happy. And old Harry was happy. All the time. It was probably the first adjective people used when describing him. He doesn't remember when exactly things went wrong, but his best friend leaving certainly didn't help.  
__________________

*flashback*

 

"Why do you look so sad, love?" he asked him. His eyes were sad too. No longer holding that sparkle they get when he was happy. Blue no more resembling the ocean, but the grey sky above him. 

"You know why, Louis." he sighed. Fiddling with the button of his coat, he bowed his head to look at his feet. He was all bundled up, but he never felt colder. Heartbeats so loud he could hear them echoing all around him. Louis must hear them too. 

Harry raised his head up to properly look at his best friend. He needed to remember him. He couldn't bear not to. When his eyes fell upon a face he loved so deeply, he couldn't see through the tears. His vision was blurry and a few tears escaped onto his cheeks.

He felt arms pulling him closer and hands cupping his jaw. Tears were brushed away by a gentle touch of his fingertips and then kisses were pressed into his hair. 

"Hey, none of that! You aren't allowed to cry because you're going to make me cry as well. This was supposed to be a happy goodbye, Haz." he whispered gently, but Harry shook his head. 

"How can a goodbye ever be happy, Lou?" said Harry in disbelief.

"It can't," Louis murmured. "you're right. But can we think of it as a see you later, instead?" he pleaded softly, hopefully. 

Harry smiled through the tears and a sad chuckle escaped his lips "Yeah, see you later Lou." 

*end of flashback*

And that was it. He left. And God, did Harry hate himself. The yearning he felt was almost inhuman. It was as if someone had ran a knife right through his chest and just left it there, only coming back to twist it whenever something reminded Harry of him. 

He left. Harry didn't even say the thing he wanted to the most. That's what really messed him up. He didn't even get to say "I love you". But how could he? Louis deserved so much more then a cheesy "I love you" right before he left. He didn't even know if Louis felt the same. It doesn't even matter now, does it? It's better if he doesn't know. It would have been more painful if he got him and then had do let him go. 

It finally broke him. He was cracked before, you know? Always considered himself not enough, too much. Felt everything all at once and then felt nothing at all. And loving him made it worse, but so much better. He made him better. He always will. 

He hopes Louis is happy. Wherever he is. And alive. 

 

He just hopes he's alive. 

__________________

"Get up!" 

Once again Harry hears "Get up!" before the person murmurs "lazy arse"

He stirs and drags the sheets over his head. They are ripped off of him in seconds. 

The person yells out once again "Oi! I said get the fuck up!". He recognizes the voice as his mate, Niall.

Harry grunts "Bloody hell, I'm up!"

He sits up on the mattress and flinches as his clothes are thrown at him. 

Niall hits him on the head "We're going to be late." 

Shaking his head he leaves the room, closing the door with a loud bang. 

Harry runs a hand down his face. His clothes are sitting in his lap. They look torn and dirty, but they are all he has. He needs to get ready for work. Standing up he walks over to the bathroom and looks at himself in the mirror. His hair is dirty and tangled, bags under his eyes making him seem much older then 18. He feels older too. He quickly brushes his teeth and goes to join Niall downstairs. 

The war has taken its toll on everybody. Most people moody and sad. Boys his age off somewhere, guns in their hands, dying. Mothers losing sons. Their last memory of them, black body bags. People say that he's lucky, staying here. He somehow got lucky and got to stay behind to look after his mother. It shouldn't be long before they come for him too. 

Niall stayed too, but it's a matter of time when they are going to drag him off and hand him a gun. He couldn't ever bring himself to imagine Niall actually shooting people. The thought makes him sick. The lad is as happy as it gets right now, always making it his mission to force a laugh out of Harry. He is the closest thing to a brother he has. 

He doesn't blame Gemma. He could never blame her for chasing her dreams. He just sometimes wishes he could follow his too. His dreams are always the same, though. They always come in the form of sparkling blue eyes and soft smiles. He misses him so much. He wishes Gemma would come back. Just for a year or two, so he can go find him. He will find him. 

But... He couldn't leave his mom. Not now. Not when he knows she won't be there when he comes back. She needs him and he needs her. To love him, to keep him sane. He will be a good boy like she knows he is. He will make her proud. Working 14 hours a day, making enough money for a roof over their heads and food in their mouths. Niall helps, so he's staying in their house. His half of the money more than welcome. 

The war started a year ago. A year of pain and torture. Sadness and death. A year since he last saw him. He doesn't even know where to send letters because Louis has no address. 

He still hopes but he knows he shouldn't. Hope is the root of all heartache. He can't not hope, though. Because he promised and they never break their promises.

They will see each other again. He doesn't know how or when, but they will. They are meant to be after all and they will always find their way back to each other. Just like all those times when one of them got lost in a game of hide and seek. Harry had gotten lost, but Louis found him. He always found him. Just, he's the one seeking now and Louis got better at hiding....  
______________

To be continued


End file.
